Saturday Mornings + 17s

Today is Saturday, August 22, 2020. It's a special day. I'm getting ready to wind down the day and go to sleep. I just wanted to write out how I was feeling before the day ended. Today is just too special. For a lot of reasons. You see, I got to wake up and go to the Farmer's Market with my Mom. Just the two of us. We met up there and walked around. Sure, we were wearing masks. Sure, there are the impacts of the pandemic still going on. And to add to that, there are devastating wildfires burning my beloved Northern California (creating a host of issues, including toxic air quality and smoke). Oh, and there has been an unusual heat wave rolling through (bringing days up to the 90's-100's). Not to mention the ongoing reckoning many members of the United States have recently decided to start navigating with the very real, systemic, pervasive racism throughout our country’s entire history. Oh, and the painfully bitter divides in political climate within the United States too...especially as we gear up for a new Presidential election. It's a lot. It really feels like a bizarre apocalypse is going on.

With all of that going on, how could I consider any day during this time as “special”?

* First of all, I want to acknowledge many other people may be experiencing ongoing difficulties as a result of some of the circumstances listed above. For many people, those challenges may not find rest for a while, if ever. I hope for peace and relief for people in their pain and struggle. In the spirit of reflection, my intention with  this post is to find gratitude in some of the blessings I get to enjoy right now.

Here's the thing...at the market today, Mom and I got to discover the new grapes of the season, buy fresh heirloom tomatoes and point out how sweet the mini rose bunches were (reminding us of the pink, white, and red mini rose bunches we bought last Valentine's day together). I loved it. The market is a place where Mom and I stroll, catch up, chat with the various Farmer's Market vendors (who have become our Saturday morning friends), and can just absolutely be ourselves. Saturday mornings are balm for my soul. What adds to the sweetness are the days when Dad, Jacob or other family members come along for the experience. It's really just a tender way to kick off a weekend. For a moment, I am able to take a moment and pause from the unusually bizarre circumstances society is experiencing.

After we got in our cars and Mom drove away, I sent her a quick text message and thanked her for the special morning. Her response: "Love you Sweetheart. Have another great 17". You see, today is another 17.

I need to explain a little bit. You see, 17s mean a lot to me. 

Here's a little "17" history:

• 6/17: My birthday :) 
• 10/17/2017: Jacob + I met
• 11/17/17: Jacob + I become officially "boyfriend + girlfriend"
• 12/17/17: Mom presents the idea to propose to Jacob. (Longer story....see former blog posts for that story)
• Later in December 2017: We book a room at the Capital Club in Downtown San Jose for a dinner the night of our wedding. The Capital Club is located on the 17th floor of the Fairmont Plaza. 
• 1/17/2018: We buy a suit for Jacob to wear on our wedding day + we eat delicious Indian food to celebrate our love.
• 2/17/2018: Jacob + I get married! (17 weeks after meeting each other)
• 2/17/2019: Jacob + I celebrate our 1st anniversary in Half Moon Bay, California.
• 2/14/2020 (a few days before 2/17/2020): Jacob + I celebrate our 2nd anniversary in O'ahu, Hawaii
• And now, TODAY (8/22/2020)... our son, Peter, is 17 weeks old. 
• It also happens to be National Rainbow Baby Day--a day recognized as a day to celebrate "Rainbow Babies". 
• In an article I found online, it explains: "A “rainbow baby” is a term to describe children born after a miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death, like light at the end of storm. It’s a treasured day of observance for many families across the country who honor small lives that were lost and celebrate cherished parenthood. Rainbow babies are children born after a parent’s previous miscarriage, still birth or death in infancy. “It is called a rainbow baby because it is like a rainbow after a storm: something beautiful after something scary and dark…It is an extremely emotional and devastating experience to lose a pregnancy [or baby]. To create a life or bring a baby into the world after such a loss is amazing like a miracle for these parents.” (see reference here for article source)

While it may seem like the end of the world has boldly arrived (see above: ongoing global pandemic, toxic ashy skies from raging wildfires engulfing communities, etc…), I think we still have so much to treasure and celebrate: grapes, tomatoes, roses, Mamas, 17s.

There is a song I recently discovered that captures a bit of how I feel about Peter growing up. At about 4 months old, I want time to stand still. The song is called “Slow Down” and in the chorus, it says:

 

“Slow down
Won't you stay here a minute more
I know you want to walk through the door
But it's all too fast
Let's make it last a little while
I pointed to the sky and now you wanna fly
I am your biggest fan
I hope you know I am
But do you think you can somehow
Slow down”

 

I wonder if my own mom thought those same lines today… “I am your biggest fan. I hope you know I am. But do you think you can somehow slow down?” This morning, I wonder if she thought back to when I was 17 weeks old. And noticed the beauty of us walking around the market, celebrating the new 17 week old Peter guy. I relish each of his squeaky noises, the way he laughs when he finds his smile in a mirror, how he snuggles his best friend, Rusty the fox. I just want to “make it last a little while”. I’m certain I’ll feel the same about each new chapter. 

And maybe someday I can have the opportunity on some future Saturday morning, to stroll around with my son, discovering delicious grapes, heirloom tomatoes or fresh cut roses. 

With so much turmoil swirling around me, I find the most PEACE and JOY in the present. It’s in Saturday morning walks with Mama. The way Peter wraps his whole hand around my thumb. The way Jacob holds me close at the end of a long night. Hearing the zingers from my Dad….and then listening to my niece’s priceless laughter in response. Backyard dinners after Mom and Dad come over from a bike ride...some of the most tender memory making. FaceTime with my nephews + Brother in Law and watching them garden and play in the yard...or show me their new collected treasures (like pebbles, cars, or stuffed animals). Heart to hearts with my incredible sister who I can feel my whole self with. Or hearing all of her random stories about strange encounters with other humans. These stories usually make me laugh so hard. Reading random text message threads from friends, usually filled with memes. Happy, simple, sweet walks in the park with lifelong friends. Seeing my family/friends Instagram Stories with Dance Parties, workouts, yummy dinners, date nights with people they love, nature adventures, self-care, and all the beautiful real living in between. Pictures from friends of their "days exploring" gorgeous hikes at places like the beach with pups, babies, or friends. Video updates from friends sharing Christmas traditions or unbelievable scenes from the Danish, English, or Californian shorelines. Connections with former students who remain gems in my life. Updates about recipes or life advice (as she sees it) from Grandma Davis. Hearing her scoff: "oh Amous". All of it. 

I’ve got so much to be grateful for. So much. And honestly, I need nights like tonight where I remind myself of all of the beauty I’ve been blessed with. Because the world is so dark right now. I have been blessed with so many bright spots. From the deepest parts of my soul, I am so thankful for Saturday mornings and 17s. 

Mother's Day 2020

I wanted to make sure I wrote the story of Peter's birth here. This blog has become a place for me to both process and keep a record of some of my life's most significant junctures. 

..............

WRITTEN SUNDAY, MAY 10, 2020 (Mother's Day)

I’m actually writing this on Mother’s Day 2020. Baby Peter has been fed and I smile as I watch him wiggle his little swaddled legs on the baby monitor, lulling himself to sleep. Today, he is 2 weeks old (plus a day). My heart is absolutely full of gratitude. You see, last year, on the week prior to Mother’s Day 2019, we lost a baby due to miscarriage. “Little Bug”, we affectionately would call that baby, made me a Mama. I mourned the loss of our Little Bug, and my heart ached a little extra on Mother’s Day last year given our loss. When we learned of the new pregnancy fairly soon after the miscarriage, I felt grateful, yet a bit reserved in my excitement. I tried to suppress feeling any sort of joy, in fear of losing this little baby too and repeating the cycle of heartache all over again. After a few months, and many healthy conversations with inspiring people in my life, I allowed JOY to be a part of this pregnancy journey. When the coronavirus began to transform the world, we were curious how our pregnancy would be affected. With my mom as a nurse at a county hospital in the heart of the Bay Area, we are uniquely aware of the impact that the Coronavirus has played in the community we’re living in. We slowly gained a peaceful confidence that everything would work out as it should. With the adjustments made to our working/ living circumstances, my husband and I found solace in the gift of “togetherness” the month leading up to Peter’s birth. The impact of COVID-19 offered us the opportunities to work from home in quiet, calm, and genuinely peaceful circumstances. I recognize that not all work situations offer this, so we were feeling particularly thankful.

 

At the hospital, only one additional person (beyond me) was allowed in the delivery room. It actually turned out to be such a tremendously sacred experience for our little family. There were no “extra” people in the hospital when we went…only essential staff members and essential patients. When it was time to push, the only people in the room were: me, Jacob (my husband) and one incredible nurse. Baby Peter has a middle name after my Grandpa James (Jim) Davis who passed a few years ago. We played my Grandpa Davis’ piano music on my phone as we began the hour pushing and delivery process. I never imagined that situation being as peaceful as it was. Sure, it was painful (thank goodness for the meds!) But overall, the chaos and agony that I previously associated with delivering a baby just wasn’t there. It was uncomfortable physically, but uniquely beautiful and holy. Eventually, the doctor and two additional nurses joined the party. Even still, the room was filled with a deep sense of calm—a gift that was welcomed during a time of global uncertainty.

 

As I’ve reflected on these past two weeks, and even this past year, I am reminded of the tremendous gift our son Peter is. I feel honored to be his mom. I am grateful for the opportunity we will have to learn from his example. I am hopeful that the presence of peace as a focal point of his arrival serves as a symbol for his legacy. I know that the babies, like Peter, who are being welcomed into the world right now are teaching us all how to find peace in chaos, gratitude in simplicity, and hope in newness.

 

New Chapters + Plot Twists

Written April 2020

It’s been an interesting 2020 to say the least. The meme game is really present right now. One-liners are bubbling up like, “6-feet apart”, “the new normal”, “pets planned this”, “unprecedented times” and “social distancing (although I prefer the term physical distancing…#socialconnection)”. People are reassessing how they wash their hands and what door handles they touch (or don’t) in public. We’re all noticing when people cough, sneeze, or even breathe near us. No more shaking hands with people. More virtual meet ups. More quiet. Less traffic. What seems like a global shift has rocked the world.

While all this is going on, Jacob and I are expecting a baby boy to arrive within the next few weeks. (No…his name will not be Covido). We’re as prepared physically as we’ll ever be—car seat, crib, diapers. And emotionally, we joke that if our baby was born with a typical story, it wouldn’t be our lives. A global pandemic seems like just the right dose of irony for our baby’s birthday. With my mom as a nurse at a county hospital in the heart of the Bay Area, we are uniquely aware of the impact that the Coronavirus has played in the community we’re living in. And we’re confident that everything will work out as it should. A lot of friends and family have reached out in the most sincere concern for our health, especially now. Mom and Dad have been incredible support system team mates for us. They have helped us with groceries and most importantly: moral support. Thanks to Amazon, we’ve been able to order things that the baby may need when he arrives. Being 38+ weeks pregnant in the middle of a pandemic has definitely been a time of major slow down for me. In some ways, the Coronavirus literally forced me to slow down. Because there’s not a ton of data on how pregnancy may be impacted by COVID-19, we’ve been super cautious about how we spend our time. Other than our daily walk/bike ride/fresh air trip, we really haven’t been out much. I take that back….we did go OUT for a little date. Jacob drove me to downtown Los Gatos one night. We sat in the car in front of the town park. It was sweet. Quieter than ever before. Twinkle lights. Tons of stars. And just us.  

We luckily escaped for a little trip just before things started getting wild with the pandemic. The photos were taken in Oahu, Hawaii. I was hesitant to do a maternity shoot, but after losing a baby last year, I convinced myself that capturing this joy would be something we’d like. And I am SO grateful we did.

So cheers to a new chapter in the middle of a global plot twist.  I am looking forward to meeting our little guy so soon! I can't wait to ask him why he chose this wild month to join the party.

Photo Credit: Hayley Burke Photography (www.hayleyburke.com) (she's fabulous!)

Lessons from Miscarriage

Written SPRING 2019 (over 1 year ago)

I’m not quite sure how to express this story. I think that’s why I want to try. In early 2019, I was pregnant. Then, after a few months, I was no longer pregnant. We lost our baby due to a miscarriage. I am thankful for the opportunity I had to carry our baby. Through the heartache, I really do feel fortunate in so many ways.

Among the many lessons I have learned during this journey, one thing is clear: miscarriage is FAR more common than people are talking about. And that’s ok. Not everyone needs or wants to talk about their experience. I am hoping to provide my story to the narrative of pregnancy and loss. My story remains my own. I don’t claim to understand how other people feel when they experience miscarriage or lose a child. My hope is to provide perspective to folks who may, or know someone who, will experience a loss during pregnancy. It can be uncomfortable or awkward for some people to know what to say or how to talk.

*DISCLAIMER*: the story is LONG, vulnerable, and perhaps graphic for some people. It’s 100% honest. It’s sad…and hopeful too. If it’s my story, you know there is always something to be grateful for or a lesson to be learned.

I am so thankful for the people, especially women, who shared their journey of miscarriage with me. Just thinking about these women in my life who provided extra love through their own miscarriage makes me a little emotional. Each conversation was so sacred with these women. We shared something that was so sensitive. The pain was so relatable and stung in a strange way. These women and their stories provided hope, peace, and so much comfort during very dark times. I am forever grateful to these women for the vulnerability and honesty they graciously shared with me. I am also grateful to the fathers who have been there for Jacob. He has had some really tender moments with other fathers who have experienced miscarriage in their lives as well.

If you have questions or would like to process with me about pregnancy or miscarriage (for yourself or someone you love), I am here.

I remember warning my college roommates of my strange sleeping patterns. “Sometimes I hold my stomach when I sleep. I think I’m trying to keep the “9-month-lease” apartment of my future children warm”. (What a weirdo college roommate I must have been!). After I graduated from college, I found myself single, happy, working, and still hoping to raise children. Some days I toyed with the idea of becoming a foster parent or adopting a child on my own. All that to say, I think I have hoped to raise children long before I have hoped to be in a romantic relationship.

I got to a really healthy place and had this “I don’t need to be a biological mother to help raise amazing children”. I STILL BELIEVE THIS. AND ALWAYS WILL. I am a VERY proud Auntie, Godmother, neighbor, cousin, friend, and mentor. I take these roles SO seriously and am always trying to improve my service and love in them.

When Jacob and I met, we clearly did a lot of things non-conventionally. We fell in love FAST and got married fast too. After the whirl of our new marriage felt like it was becoming familiar, we moved jobs and states. The whirls haven’t slowed down. We make time to date, to dream, and to fall more in love all the time. I never really imagined I could really be in this kind of love with someone…and even more with time. It’s still blowing my mind. And it’s wonderful.

Jacob and I talked extensively about having children. We discussed questions like: How many children? When would we want to try to conceive? Adoption? How would we raise the children in our home? Do we feel financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically prepared (not perfect) to welcome a child into our home? THE LIST CONTINUES over many days and lots of laughs. Jacob insists that there will be 17 children swinging from chandeliers in our home at some point in our lives.

After a trip to a village 3 hours outside of Guatemala City, I wanted to be sure I was physically healthy and cleared by my doctor to conceive a new baby. In the area I visited, there was a potential for the Zika Virus to be contracted, often from mosquitoes. Both Jacob and I made sure we had physicals and we checked in with my OBGYN about the trip. Once we were cleared, we tried to turn off any sort of expectations about dates or when/ if I would get pregnant.

Surprisingly, we learned I was pregnant about a month or so later. We were THRILLED! Jacob’s reaction was so tender and sincere. He kept saying, “Amy…we’re going to be parents” with so much awe. We felt so lucky. So thankful. And so so happy. We absolutely celebrated with cake from Icing on the Cake…one of our favorite bakeries. Only the best for the best news!

The next few months were sweet. We made the choice early on to share with very close family and a few friends that I was pregnant. We carefully decided who we wanted to share with. We decided we would share only with people we felt comfortable sharing about any potential miscarriage with. And I am glad we did. (Everyone is different and has a different opinion about this. The rule of thumb I have decided is: do what YOU want.) It felt so refreshing to have people feel JOY with us. We weren’t the only people embracing new roles. People were becoming/enhancing their roles as: aunts and uncles, friends, mentors, grandparents, great grandparents. They were genuine and happy WITH us.

We spent the next few months excited and happy. I felt my uterus stretching like taffy, sometimes with sharpness, and felt really tired often. It was hard to tell what was me feeling tired (vs. me tired “not-pregnant”). I had the urge to pee ALL the time, even just after using the restroom. My sense of smell was more sensitive. I rarely felt nauseous and didn’t throw up. My hormones were ALL over the place. I felt SUPER hot, SUPER chilled, dizzy, breathless, alert, all sorts of things.

At our 6-week ultra sound appointment, we saw our sweet little baby for the first time. That baby was so precious. Our baby was a little dot on the screen and its heart was beating. Jacob sweetly started calling the babe, “Little Bug”.

What happens next is when things started getting a new type of hard. At our 10-week ultra sound appointment, just shy of the second trimester of the pregnancy, we learned that our baby had no heart beat. When the sonogram tech put the screens on in that dark room, I knew that something wasn’t right with the baby. The baby didn’t look as big as my random phone pregnancy apps said the baby should be at 10-weeks. Our little baby had 4 limbs, a body, a head. No distinct fingers or toes quite yet. And no blood flow to the baby. The baby had died, stopped growing….and it’s sweet, lifeless, body was still in my body. I felt compassion for the ultrasound tech who knew what was going on and hated being the person to know first. They were sad too. I tried keeping my emotions composed to complete our doctor’s appointment, but I was quickly loosing it. I couldn’t even look at Jacob. His heart was breaking…for him, for me, for the baby. I was devastated.

And in that moment, I went to biology. Science. Facts. I have been in plenty of emergency response/ trauma situations where I have been trained to turn on the “problem solving” mode. I needed to get through 15-20 more minutes of logistics. What are the next steps? What do I need to do? What can I expect? More questions.

Our doctor extended so much compassion and held that space with so much reverence. He was genuinely sad for us too. We just learned that our baby had died. He shared with us the wonder and intelligence of the human body, noting that miscarriage is the body’s way of terminating an unhealthy pregnancy. He offered deep condolences to us and offered to help answer any questions we had. He explained choices for next steps and explained what may happen to my body over the next few weeks. He shared that over the next few days to weeks, my body would increase in the amount of blood discharged from my body. The more blood, the closer to the actual passing of the baby. He also warned that if there was too much blood, I should check in to a local emergency room for monitoring. I decided that I wanted to try to pass the baby naturally, if I could. We had scheduled a follow up appointment with the doctor before we left our 10-week appointment. If the baby hadn’t passed naturally by that time, we would opt for a surgery to remove the baby’s body called a D&C or “dilation and curettage”. I did not want that week(s) to come.

After our doctor’s appointment, Jacob and I went into the car. We quietly held each other for a bit and then let ourselves cry. I called my Mom at work and asked if we could come over. Without hesitation, she made time for us. We rushed to the hospital where my mom works and found her in her busy office, waiting with a hug and a mother’s love. She held me through my sobs and joined me in my sorrow. She hugged Jacob. We all cried together. She then shared with Jacob the story of her own miscarriage (in between me and my older sister). She understood the sorrow connected to loss, especially connected to a pregnancy.

We mourned with my sister. My Dad. Jacob’s siblings. His parents. Our grandparents. Close friends. We were all so devastated. No one knew quite the words to say. None of us did.

Meanwhile, the baby remained in my body like a shell. I knew I would have at least a few days before the baby’s body left mine. I would have just a few more days being pregnant with this little baby’s body. During that week, my physical and emotional hormones were all over the charts. My body, that for months was rapidly gearing up to grow a baby, was rapidly changing to discard the baby’s body. I can’t explain the quiet despair my heart felt that week. I couldn’t “look back” on the situation yet. I still had to experience the loss. It felt like one of the longest weeks of my life. I wondered what people thought as I passed them in the grocery store. They would never know I was pregnant with the lifeless body of our unborn baby.

I often think about that week and the people I interacted with. I think about the stories people have that I don’t know about. What is the story I will never know about the person at the grocery store? I am trying MUCH harder to be kind to the people around me and trying to give people a little more compassion. I’m not always great about remembering to practice this approach. The miscarriage has definitely shifted my perspective and helps remind me to pause a little more often and at least try to keep perspective.

My mom and dad brought dinner over the day after the news. They were “just in the area” and “happened to have take out” for us. Friends came over at just the right times with flowers, hugs, tears, and quietly joined in our sorrow. It was just what we needed. We received text messages, phone calls, and letters from people we loved. Although we didn’t respond quickly, we treasured every word of encouragement and empathy. My sister mailed “Forget-me-not” seeds for our garden, and a necklace with the inscription: “be still”. All of it meant so much to us.

One of the most meaningful moments was a walk with a friend. She had experienced her own miscarriage and invited me over for a walk. I didn’t know what to say or what I needed. We went out for a walk and she lovingly broke the ice. “Do you want to talk about it?” She gave me so much love and so much permission to be myself. I am thankful for that walk.

Over the next few days, I started having the worst cramps of my life. I could feel my body gearing up for the passing of the baby. I wasn’t trying to do anything either. It was astonishing to me how my body just took over.

After a few days, I reached out to Jacob’s brother, Aaron, and his husband, Henrique. Jacob and I had been planning to attend a friend’s wedding in the Central Valley of California. My bleeding had not increased a ton, so I did not anticipate the loss of the baby the next day or two. I asked Aaron and Henrique to meet us halfway from L.A. where they live to spend a day with us prior to the wedding. I thought it could be refreshing, especially for Jacob, to have family to see during such a terrible week. Of course we had been lucky to have friends and family around during the week…I suppose I was hoping to surprise Jacob and give him some comfort through family. Graciously, Aaron and Henrique arranged to meet up with us and surprise Jacob in Morro Bay, California. They were acutely aware of the situation and sensitive to the unique circumstances the weekend carried with it.

Morro Bay is one of the most peaceful places I have been. It’s a small coastal town with ships lining the harbors, the smell of salt in the air, and seagulls guarding the skies. On our drive down to Morro Bay, my bleeding started to pick up. A lot. And so did my cramping. I was feeling weak, tired, and dizzy from the loss of blood. The pain was tender from the sharpness of the cramps too. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up not feeling any of this. Jacob and I talked about what would happen when the baby actually left my body. I didn’t want to make that decision. Should we save the body and bury the baby somewhere? I didn’t want critters to find the baby. Should we give the baby to a lab for testing to see what happened? We ended up deciding that flushing the body was the most humane decision for us. (Again, everyone is different about what is best for them…and every decision is hard).

When we finally made it to Morro Bay, Aaron and Henrique were there with open arms and a box of DELICIOUS Danish Pastries from Solvang. The closest thing to Copenhagen pastries we could have asked for. We all inhaled the treats together. We stayed up, talking, visiting. They were SO compassionate, loving, and kind. We made plans to visit the Annual Morro Bay Classic Car show down the street the next day and went to sleep.

In the middle of the night, I woke up with sharp pain and nausea. I hobbled to the restroom and for the first time during my pregnancy, I threw up. My body was chilled again, and hot at the same time. I felt like a monster and was just so weak and tired. I wanted to go to sleep. Jacob came and quietly encouraged me through what would be one of the most traumatic nights of my life. I am forever thankful that Jacob was with me. At that point, we both knew this was going to be the night. Jacob was so present and I could tell he wanted to just take all my pain away. I love Jacob so much and am thankful for the quiet dignity that he carries into our relationship. When the baby passed, I was holding onto Jacob. It was so painful and I was so emotional. The quiet tears were there for both of us. Jacob offered a prayer and we cried and said goodbye to our Little Bug’s body. The pain immediately began to ease. It was remarkable. I was still in a lot of pain, but hardly as much. I knew the worst was over.

The next morning was surprisingly peaceful. In the hotel was me, Jacob, Aaron, and Henrique. Everyone was aware of the night’s events. While Aaron and Henrique slept, Jacob and I took a short walk outside. We watched Morro Bay wake up with us. Slowly. Quietly. Peacefully. Shops were starting to open and everyone was getting ready for the Annual Morro Bay Classic Car Show. Seeing the shiny antique cars and their enthusiast owners was a happy distraction and a reminder that life keeps rolling on. Hard times come and at the same time, there is this beautiful renewal in “new days”. We looked out at the water and were finally given the moment we had been looking forward to: “the looking back” moment. Jacob and I didn’t need to say much. We debriefed just enough, but mostly enjoyed the comfort of each other for our new day.

Back at the hotel, Aaron and Henrique were so gracious to me and were so supportive to both of us. They were such terrific listeners and once we had processed through just enough, they brought in what we needed next: JOY. I don’t know how to explain it, but being around people who brought JOY was so helpful. Aaron started shouting out our third story hotel window: “honk if you looovve classiccccc cars!” to anyone who would respond. I’m sure the retiree town of Morro Bay was taken by surprise, but back in our hotel room, we gave into our first sincere laugh of the week. Once we got ready for the day, we went out and allowed ourselves to blend into the community of people. Aaron and Henrique ended up finding an accordion and kept charming this city by the harbor. We loved it. And for a moment, joy crept back in.

The tears didn’t stop right away. Sure, I wasn’t crying non-stop like a fountain. I absolutely let myself cry. I still do. Writing this has taken a few days off and on. I cry with gratitude sometimes. I cry from loss sometimes. I cry from missing a baby I will never watch grow up. I cried holding my friend’s beautiful baby the week after our baby passed. It wasn’t holding the baby that did it. It was the perfect fingers. The perfect toes. Our baby never made it that far. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel jealousy or envy of my friends when they have babies or successful pregnancies. In fact, I’m so happy for them. This has taught me how much of a miracle a successful pregnancy is. I have so much respect and empathy for the people that experience what they go through.

There is a tremendous TedTalk called “We don’t “move on” from grief. We move forward with it” by Nora McInerny. I loved what she had to say. Things like this talk helped me move forward through each day.

One of the most healing decisions Jacob and I made involved a little list of our blessings through this whole process. The list didn’t take away the pain of loss. At the same time, our “blessings” list offered us a much needed perspective of our situation. We felt we had many things to be grateful for, even through our sadness.

Here is what we came up with:

“BLESSINGS”

-       timing of the doctor’s appointment

-       away from home during the miscarriage

-       we got to see our baby’s heart beat at the 6-week appointment

-       Family…especially during the day of and day after

-       We were able to be together. Jacob wasn’t at work

-       Not out in the public

-       Clean bathroom

-       Nighttime, not the middle of the day

-       Beginning of the weekend.

-       Happy moments over the weekend: car show, wedding

-       Morro Bay: beautiful, peaceful, quiet, good food, car show, park, accordion

-       Plan for the actual event: prayer… the plan brought peace and lowered anxiety

-       Having a back up plan: Tuesday: D&C

-       Grateful that things happened naturally

-       Didn’t see the actual body…so much blood

-       Aaron & Henrique were so sensitive to the situation

-       Baby wasn’t more than 8 weeks in size (stopped growing at that point)

-       This happened early (vs. later) in pregnancy

-       Lost a child during pregnancy vs. child during infancy

I recognize that everyone may not have a list like this to be thankful for during a miscarriage. People may not consider something we listed as a “blessing”. That’s ok. Everyone is different. I also do not want to dilute the pain of someone’s experience if they have gone through something in contrast to this list. All the while, I do believe everyone has their own list of blessings they can create during their own trials. The list may be small, but I really believe we can all make a list of blessings. I have learned that through the darkest moments of my life, I have felt so loved by family, friends, and medical professionals who have given the most sincere support to me and to Jacob.  I believe that God is a loving Heavenly Father who really does mourn with us when we mourn. I believe He finds joy in our joy. I have seen the mercies of God through this experience and have felt tutored by Him as we have learned the lessons this experience has had for us. I am still learning. I’m still hopeful to have a successful pregnancy in the future. I feel grateful for the time I had to carry “Little Bug” in my body. I consider it a privilege to have carried that baby for any time at all, even though it was a shorter time than I anticipated. As I reflect on this past year, I am acutely aware of the love and intention God has in my life. I believe that we all experience situations for our own growth and learning. I have been humbled by this experience and indefinitely grateful for the increase of love that has poured into our lives because of our sorrow.

Through all of this, I hope I can be a little kinder, a little more understanding, and a little more patient with the people in my life and the people at the grocery store. I may never know what someone is going through or their entire story.

Minnie the Cow + REALLY LIVING

Growing up, I wrote this saying on a standard 8x11 piece of paper: "What are you willing to SACRIFICE for something BETTER?" If I'm being honest, I don't think I can trace back where I learned the quote, who said it, if I just made it up. That phrase has driven me through each chapter of life.

Just about 2 years (and only 2 blog posts) ago, I decided to create what I affectionately called my "30 to 30"--30 goals before I turned 30. I think the pairing of my "30 to 30" supported by my "What are you willing to SACRIFICE for something BETTER?" mantra gave me a fresh drive to LIVE life in new ways.
Around the same time, one of my best friends, Eric, suggested a life-changing book: "Feel the Fear...and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Although I prided myself in being a bit of a "live life to the fullest" type, there were definitely areas in my life where I could benefit from shaking things up. I love myself a good routine, a familiar schedule, and the assurance of a plan just as much as the next person. But in July 2017, I recognized a plateau in my life. And I don't know about you, but that nudge to grow is a little bit of a mix between "hooray! new life adventures ahead!" and "nah...I'm good where I'm at"...both feelings for me come from the stomach--a rush and a drop, depending on the approach.

Well, I did. My "30 to 30" was AMAZING. I LIVED. And it was wonderful. I really did milk a cow. And I about cried. Ha! No lie. I made up that silly goal when I was a kid to milk a cow. And I did it! Just milk a cow. Ok, it was about a month after I turned 30....but whatever.Her name was Minnie the Cow. As I approached her I said, "I'm sorry Minnie, I know this is a little awkward for you..." but I'm sure in my mind I completed our conversation with something like, "...but thank you anyways for helping me achieve a lifelong goal of milking a cow. You are that cow, Minnie. And I thank you".

Besides milking a cow, I:

- got to run my first 10K

- donated items to charity more intentionally + frequently than I had been before

- was able to explore Mexico + Portland

- saved my money in better ways

- took a cooking class (farm to table style)

- took my niece out for an Auntie date (just the two of us. She picked McDonalds)

- developed my spirituality in personal ways and in temples more regularly than I had in the past

- studied scriptures and developed my faith in more sincere ways

- applied for lots of jobs + doctorate school

- fell in love with violin lessons

Here's the thing: I didn't finish everything on my list. Whan whan.

But here's the other thing: making this list ignited two things in my approach to LIVING LIFE: intentionality & zeal. Sure, zeal is an old fashioned word, but it's appropriate.

Here's what else I did this year, that two years ago, was NOT in my plans or on my "30 to 30":
- Hold my nephew on the day he is born (6/6/17) (kind of a big deal for me. I wasn't able to hold the other two on the actual days they were born)

- Traveled all over to: Guatemala, Puerto Rico, Bioluminecent Bay Kayak, Snorkling @ abandoned ship & catamaran, Yuca Falls hike- Puerto Rico, Aruba, St. Marteen, Curacao, Bonaire, Las Vegas, Arizona, Denmark, California, Utah, Zion National Park

- New job (UVU Assistant Director @ CAL)

- Moved to a new state

- hikes in gorgeous mountains

- painfully mourned the death of my favorite person: Grandpa Davis

- gave myself more permission to slow down 
– let myself be vulnerable

- dated all in

- was super honest with myself and others (more than once)

- felt heartbreak

- learned

- grew

- took risks

- fell in love...for real...and was bold and honest about that love from the beginning

- had the courage to be SO vulnerable

- married the man I met and fell in love with (!)

- celebrated this love with 3(!) wedding celebrations + 1 temple sealing ceremony
- laughed more

- cried more

- was grateful, happy, sad, humbled, frustrated, anxious, discouraged, hopeful, energized, and everything in between

- quit my job to move to California with Jacob (he accepted an offer at Amazon in the Bay Area).

Let me tell you. I couldn't have written this. Life has been a beautiful, wild, full of adventure, fear, opportunities, support, love, people, challenges, lessons, humility, gratitude, and so much more. I recognize the blessings that this story has been infused with. I recognize the PEOPLE who have been supporting me throughout this ENTIRE journey. It's so humbling to think about the sacrifices people have made in order for MY life to be better. It's remarkable to think back and wonder about the past few years and what they have turned out to be.

xoxo,
Amy

Our Love Story (and a sprinkle about us to start...)

About Us

Jacob & Amy...the FAST(ish) FACTS:

Jacob:

·       Born in Texas, lived there until age 13, and then moved to Sparks, NV.

·       Earned a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and worked as an instructor at the school

·       Served a volunteer mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Florida Tallahassee Mission (covering northern Florida and southern Alabama)

·       Went to college at Brigham Young University, earned a Bachelor’s in Computer Engineering with a minor in Computer Science

·       Interned at Johnson Space Center in Houston, TX during junior year of college

·       Moved to Seattle, WA to work as a software engineer for Amazon for 3 years

·       Came back to Utah in 2015 to be closer to family and started a new job at Domo

·       Favorite things include good sci-fi novels, choral music, math & science, family, fun games, and good food.

Amy:

·       Born in Oregon, raised in the Bay Area (mostly San Jose) since 2 years old

·       Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology from Sonoma State University; Master’s Degree in Public Administration-Public Policy at California State University-East Bay. Now obsessed with Sonoma County and East Bay

·       Studied abroad in Copenhagen, Denmark for 9 months. Now obsessed with Copenhagen & all things Denmark

·       Served a volunteer mission with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at Temple Square in Salt Lake City, Utah

·       Worked with children and adolescents with special needs as a behavioral interventionist

·       Served with CSU-East Bay’s Student Housing & Residence Life team for 5 years. Obsessed with amazing framily she made there

·       In 2004, as a sophomore, participated in a leadership seminar. Now known as EDGE Youth Leadership, this non-profit organization has shaped many passions. Now obsessed with leadership development. Continues to volunteer with the organization since 2004 and currently serves on the Board of Directors.

·       Favorite "people, places and things" include family, friends, leadership, diversity, fitness, service, food, faith, education, travel, baking, EDGE Youth Leadership, technology, manicures, the Bay Area, Denmark, music, languages, sleep….and now Jacob Austin.

Our Story

What brought you both to Utah?

Jacob: I studied computer engineering at BYU and left the state after graduation to work for Amazon in Seattle for just over 3 years. Living there was great -- great culture, scenery, job, people. After a few years, a great opportunity came up to work for a smaller, newer company and to live closer to my family, so in 2015 I packed up all my stuff into a U-Haul and brought myself back to Utah.

Amy: There are a lot of stories building up to my move to Utah (about 2-3 years of little nudges). And if you know me, you know if it took an hour to live something, it may take me 2 hours to re-tell the experience. AKA, we don’t have time to tell ALL the stories that led me to Utah...but I’ll try to summarize.

I was working at California State University- East Bay, in Hayward, California, for about 5 years. I had finished up my Master’s program and transitioned into a role as a Residence Life Coordinator on campus. I LOVED serving at CSU-East Bay. I loved my teammates, the students, the Bay Area, being close to my parents (in San Jose). My work’s contract was nearing an end in June 2017 and I needed to move forward with a path to my next chapter of life. The most important reason(s) I moved live in Pleasant Grove: my sister and her awesome family. She was due to have her third baby in the summer and I had to live up to my title of “best Auntie”. FaceTime wasn’t cutting it. I wanted a season of my life full of lazy Tuesdays, snow cones, birthday parties, and niece/nephew cuddles. I also wanted to keep building my passion for leadership development and higher education. I applied for a job at Utah Valley University in their Center for the Advancement of Leadership as the new Assistant Director. I loved the idea of working at a school with a vocational pulse in a role that supported leadership development. After weighing many options, drinking lots of cucumber water, and throwing caution to the wind, I decided to flip my life for a 180.

Since moving to Utah, I have enjoyed being surrounded by Nicole and her family, the gorgeous Rocky Mountains as the setting to my backyard and daily commute, and all of the kind people I have had the gift of learning from....and LOTS of summer snow cones.

How did you meet?

Amy: I was at a funky place in life. For over a decade, I had been in long term relationships with kind, respectful men, that in the end, for a variety of reasons, weren’t right relationship fits for me or them. And don’t get me started on the laundry list of first date stories. That’s a whole mini-series in the making. With gratitude, I learned SO much about myself, healthy relationships, respect, and joy. I was feeling discouraged, deflated, and honestly, pretty over the whole dating scene. I was ready to swear off relationships (you know, relationships are for “everyone else” and Hallmark movies). I was at a great place with my own self confidence--probably could have benefited from a slice of humble pie. I thought, “Welp. I’m amazing. No need to make space for a partner. I’m ok enjoying my cucumber water in solitude and peace. I’m pretty ok never meeting strangers for cheesy first dates ever again”.

With a tinge of angst, I turned to the ever saturated internet dating world for two reasons/ intentions:

1.     Create opportunities to practice being kind to people in dating situations before I meet the ACTUAL man I would eventually meet on an arranged date my friends would probably set up for me in California once I moved back to the Bay Area.

2.     Free dinners. (Which I would of course offer to pay for initially) (I’m terrible).

That’s what Jacob was to me before I met him: practice date pawn & potential dinner donor. I was WAY off.

He seemed nice enough. Kind eyes, friendly smile, and a tagline that said something like, “I’m a simple guy. Originally from Texas. Likes board games. Engineer. Looking for someone to whisk away from Utah”. YES.

We matched on a dating app for LDS singles called “Mutual” (kind of like Tinder but with an LDS flavor). We casually started chatting back and forth. Pretty basic stuff. “How was your weekend?” Blah blah. Sorry if you were looking for a juicer, more serendipitous first encounter.

What was your first date?

Jacob: When we were chatting on Mutual, it came up that I’m originally from Texas, and Amy asked if I’d been to this BBQ place she’d heard about called BamBam’s. I’d never been, but after chatting a little longer and deciding I wanted to ask her out, I suggested we try it. So we did. October 17. Dinner went well enough though that Amy suggested we get some dessert, and we ended up at another place in Provo that does chocolate tastings. So our first date ended with a really fun experience. We decided we wanted to go out again. This first date was on a Tuesday and we decided we’d go out again that Saturday. But by the time I got home I had decided I wanted to see her sooner than that. So I called and left a message saying I was free Thursday….

How did the second date go? *wink wink*

Amy: I love this part of our story. Jacob called about 10 minutes after we parted ways on date 1. His voicemail is my favorite: “Hey Amy, it’s Jacob”. He went on to say something like, “If you’d like to get together before Saturday, I’d love to. Maybe Thursday or something? If not, no worries. Saturday works too. [*Jacob thinks to himself: play it cool, man*] Whatever is best. Give me a call”.

I called him right back and we arranged to meet up Thursday night. When we talked about what to do, I suggested a few interests, “autumn-y things, good food, nature (but nothing too cold), activities…”. We ended up making caramel apples for friends, an ice hockey game, and then I got hungrrrrrry. We ended up going to a charming “board game cafe” where we selected games from a wall of over 600(!) selections, munched on crepes and quesadillas, and laughed our heads off. We MAY have found (and briefly played) Sweet Valley High (similar to Dream Phone: see the section about Nicole Robertson below for details on Dream Phone game play instructions). We laughed, quipped, and gently eased into getting to know each other. At the end of the night, I thought, “hey, this guy seems kind of special”. It was the next morning when I first started learning about the character and integrity that I am now in love with.

Jacob called the next day and asked:

J: “did you happen to pay last night? I don’t remember us paying”

A: “I thought you did. We were talking to all the staff members and they asked if we needed anything. And then they wished us a good night. So we left”

J: “That’s what I remember too. But if you didn’t pay, and I didn’t pay, I’m just gonna head back there and take care of the bill today”.

It wasn’t more than a $5-10 difference. And the location was about 20 minutes away. I was so grateful for (and impressed with) his honesty. It’s one of my favorite qualities Jacob has.

When did you become boyfriend/girlfriend?

Jacob: Well after the first few dates we were seeing each other nearly every day, and we were having a lot of fun: delicious dinners, reading books, go karts, grocery shopping, pumpkin carving and trick-or-treating with her sister’s family. So I decided to check in pretty early on and see where this was going. (And our whole timeline is accelerated, so when I say early on, I mean after a week or two of dating!) Amy wanted to wait to have any sort of “boyfriend/girlfriend titles” and give ourselves a good month of getting to know each other before we became any sort of official. So a little while later, after a road trip to Vegas and booking flights for a trip to Denmark, we became officially "boyfriend & girlfriend".

Wait, you went to Denmark together?!

Amy: A few important things you’ll need to know for this story to work: 1) During the fall, I was gearing up to head out to my friend Heidi’s wedding. 2) in the autumn of this year, I started taking violin lessons again. I used to play for about 5 years when I was younger and decided to pick it back up.

When I told Heidi about my new violin passion, she asked if I would be willing to play a song at the reception. ABSOLUTELY. When I shared I had been going out on dates with Jacob, she then said, “invite him to come to the wedding”! Me: “really? I mean, I guess I could ask if he wants to come along”. After she learned that Jacob also plays the piano, she asked if we could play a duet.

So, fast forward to Copenhagen. There we were. Jacob & Amy. Two happy campers. Playing a piano/violin duet in Copenhagen, literally less than 2 months after meeting each other. On paper, it was ridiculous. In reality, it was beautiful. So sweet. So natural. And ridiculous. During one of the flights on our way over, I remember looking at Jacob and saying, “what are we doing?” With so much sincerity, he looked at me and quietly said, “we’re falling in love”.

Last question: tell us how you got engaged!

Amy:

I’d say after about a month, my entire family LOVED Jacob. He’s so incredible. And as I mentioned before, I’ve dated a variety of men who were all so respectful, so kind, and treated me well. When Jacob entered my life, it was like a cheesy movie. I started breaking all my rules. I usually like dating people through all 4 seasons at minimum. And definitely NO internet dating site guys-- the pool there is full of weirdos. The more my family learned about him (and the more they saw how I acted around him), the more they started adoring Jacob.

In mid-December, just a day shy of 2 months of knowing Jacob, my mom and I were out for a drive. Calmly, in her wisdom, she turned to me and said, “Amy, you and I both know Jacob is your guy. What are we going to do about it?”

Amy: “Mom”.

Mom: “Well. I’m just saying. Think about it. Talk to him. See what he thinks. Plus...just as an aside, the Oakland Temple is closing in February for renovations until mid 2019. If you wanted to have a wedding service there, you can book something now. I mean, you could always cancel your appointment. Why don’t you talk to Jacob and see what he thinks”

Amy: *commence ‘I know my mom is onto something’ tears*.... *wipes tears*... “we COULD always cancel the appointment. I’ll check in with Jacob to see what he thinks”

Jacob:

Well the next day Amy calls me and says, “Listen, here’s a wild idea. You know the Oakland Temple is closing in February for about a year and a half. What if… we booked a sealing in February? You know, as a placeholder. We don’t have to decide right now. And we don’t even have to do a reception then, that could happen later, maybe in the summer. What do you think?”

I wasn’t as shocked by the idea as I would have thought. My logical brain accepted it as a really solid plan--we could always cancel later. But in my heart it already started to dawn on me that I could be married to Amy within the next few months, and it felt so right.

So I agreed to book the temple the next day, and we ended up being able to book a sealing on February 17, four months (!) to the day since we met. And just like that we had a hypothetical wedding date.

We laughed about the ridiculousness of that for a few days before deciding to really talk about whether we were really going to go through with this.

Amy:

December 20. After a day of intentional prayer, paired with fasting for a day, we came back together to check in. I was (to my enormous surprise) so calm, so confident, and so assured that Jacob was the man who I would continue to build a beautiful life with. Every time I would pray, my thoughts and feelings would center back on this idea that no matter if Jacob and I chose to date for a few years, months or weeks, I would still end up with Jacob. He’s my guy.

Jacob, on the other hand, with a little more “feet on the ground”/ measure twice, cut once approach.

J: “Amy, as much as I love you, I am going to need some time to really think about this”

A: “Please do. Honestly, we can date another year, two years, part ways if it’s not a good fit, whatever’s right. I think we both just want to do what’s best for both of us. I have no idea why I feel so confident about this, but I do. How about this, let’s come back to this after the holidays”.

December 24 (Christmas Eve):

·       Jacob & Amy play piano/violin duet at retirement home.

·       Attend Jacob’s family congregation for Christmas concert.

·       Attend Amy’s family party (the Harmer side) with matching Christmas t-shirts, singing jingles, and merriment.

·       Attend Jacob’s family party (Amy’s crew tagged along) with delicious fondue (an Austin family Christmas Eve tradition)

Jacob & Amy get in the car to go to Amy’s sister, Nicole’s, place. THIS conversation happens:

J: “Hey Amy”

A: “Yes, Jacob?”

J: “I’M IN”.

A: “What are you “in”, Jacob?”

J: “You know….what we’ve been chatting about”

A: “You’ve got to say it out loud”

J: *sighs* “I do, Amy. I really do want to marry you. And I’ve known it. And it’s way faster than either of us planned for, and wild, and beautiful. I needed some time to process. But it is so right. And it is so fast. And I don’t have a ring or a plan. But we’ll figure it out. Together. So, I guess, will you marry me?”

A: “Of course”.

Fast forward to now: WE’RE IN.

I love our love story.